


Sandcastles

by softlyspoken



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst to the max, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, another one of my seb finds out fics, it’s a little sad ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22830418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: A family tree project leads to devastatingly hard answers to Seb’s questions about Aaron’s dad
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 36
Kudos: 162





	Sandcastles

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Just a few notes for this fic: 
> 
> It’s set in a world where Rebecca died during her time in that shed with Lachlan 
> 
> Annie and Jacob’s ages vary through my fics about them (sometimes Annie is older, sometimes Jacob is) in this one Jacob is 
> 
> There’s a lot referenced to Seb finding out about Lachlan which is a separate story I’ve written called: Heavy Hearts Will Bleed (you don’t have to read it before but just in case you’re wondering)

  
He’s got his head stuck in the washing machine for a reason. The reason is Ella and he’s not really sure why his daughter isn’t wiped out from jumping in puddles for nearly an hour.

“Ella. I can’t hear myself ... you can stop bouncing on the sofa now. There’s no more lava.” Aaron pushes his head out, turns and then sees Ella give him this look like he’s gone mad. 

“There’s always lava. You just can’t see it ‘cause you’re old.”

Aaron’s eyes widen and Ella just giggles. She’s showing all her little teeth, running a hand through her bouncy hair until the door goes and she’s Seb’s problem for the next ten minutes. 

“Hey mate.” Seb squeezes his shoulder and lets Ella climb up onto his back. “Aren’t you a bit old for bouncing on the sofa’s.”

“Oh we’d like to think so.” Aaron turns again to see Seb properly. He actually can’t remember the last time he saw him come home from school with his tie on the way it should be. It somehow gets halfway down his shirt every single day. “Could you stick a film on for her, she needs a nap.”

Ella’s gasp is enough to make Aaron petrified that she’ll never sleep again. “I’m not a _baby_.”

“No. You’re a big strong girl who needs to rest so she gets even _stronger_.”

Aaron smiles up at Seb for a second, his eyes flickering as he stares at them playing. Seb’s managing to swing her around by her ankles and she’s laughing so hard he’s sure she’s going to fall asleep any second now.

“How was school?”

Seb shrugs. “School.”

Aaron remembers saying that to his mum when he was younger and bites his lip to try and stop laughing.

“Anyway. Dad, I need photos.” Seb swings Ella off his shoulders and then she’s actually laying on the sofa watching some film about a weird magical garden.

Aaron gets a pan out to start trying to cook something that Robert will lovingly say is brilliant when it’s not. “Photos?”

“Yeah. Like me as a baby. You and dad. If there’s any ... with mum.”

Aaron spins properly, stares with wide eyes. “Everything OK?”

Sometimes Aaron’s hit over the head by the fact that Seb’s only sixteen. He’s taller than most boys and the oldest out of their football team of kids but it doesn’t change the look on his face sometimes that makes Aaron have this worry in his chest that won’t budge. He doesn’t think it’ll ever go away.

Seb shrugs a little, looks defensive. “Yeah. Why?”

He doesn’t speak about Rebecca all that much, there’s a picture of Robert and her holding him when he was nothing but a tiny baby, nothing but someone that made Aaron hurt. It sits on his bedside table in a purple marbled frame and it’s always been there. Aaron tries adjusting the way he’s leaning against the counter and then frowns.

“No reason. You can check the photo albums.” Aaron says and then he smiles. “You were the cutest kid.”

“You have to say that.” Aaron rolls his eyes, goes to say something and then Seb speaks again. “Do you think dad will mind me using a picture of grandad?”

Aaron frowns at him again and then Ella’s complaining about the film being played again. He walks over to her, half listening to what Seb’s even saying.

“Why would you need ...”

“Stupid history project. I have to make a family tree.”

Aaron’s eyebrow raises a little and then Ella’s sighing. “Ella. There. It’s fine.” He tucks her in a little, runs a hand over her hair. “Try and get a little nap yeah?”

Ella nods, she’s half asleep anyway and so Aaron turns his attention to his son again.

“A family tree? Aren’t you a bit old for all of that?”

Seb rolls his eyes. “Yeah well. It’s only to plot how far back we go. So I need some details. Especially about your side.”

Aaron doesn’t know why he still gets touched when he sees Seb so embraced by the Dingles but it won’t ever go away. 

He goes to speak before Robert’s walking in with a smile on his face and his tie almost exactly the same as Seb’s.

“What have I missed?” Robert saying, a hand soft against Aaron’s waist and lips pressed close to Aaron’s before Annie’s running down the stairs with Jacob and then chaos reaches another level.

Jacob needs his game fixing and Annie’s draws have broken.

—

Aaron only hears about the family tree again when Seb’s the only one left eating dinner with them. He looks nervous about telling Robert and Aaron doesn’t know why.

“It’s a family tree.” Aaron says, hand on Robert’s thigh. “No big deal.”

“It is when ...” Seb stops himself like he almost knows he has to and Aaron feels his heart thud, tries to scope up what’s in Seb’s brain and stop his worry.

Robert leans over, puts on his special dad voice and Aaron loves him so much. “What is it mate?”

Seb sighs. “Lachlan.”

Aaron’s eyes widen a little. He knows because of Belle drunk at a family get together and his dads finally being honest about his cousin.

“He isn’t your family.” Robert says, he sounds so determined and Aaron worries that he’ll get angry so he smooths his palm against Robert’s knee. Robert looks up at him, breathes out and then nods silently. “Do you hear that? You don’t put him in.” 

Seb’s face reddens under something that Aaron’s always going to want to protect him from. He looks like he thinks he doesn’t belong and it hurts everywhere. 

“You’ve got Vic. You’ve got Diane and my stupid brother you don’t see.” Robert smiles faintly.

“What about grandad?” Seb asks. “You don’t mind if I put him in too do you?” Robert’s jaw tenses and Aaron knows that Robert will always have the most complicated relationship with Jack.

He remembers when he told Seb they didn’t get on very well. He remembers hearing Robert cry one night after Seb had turned fifteen because he didn’t understand how his dad could hurt his son like that.

“He’s your granddad. No matter what. So. Yeah. Of course.” Robert has a hand over the table and Seb’s not old enough yet to look down and roll his eyes. He leans over too, squeezes a little. 

“And you’ve got enough of my lot haven’t you?” Aaron leans over. “There’s Dingles coming out of ...”

Seb bites his lip as he pulls his hand away from Robert’s. “Yeah but what about yours?” Aaron frowns at him. “Your dad.”

Aaron feels struck by something he wasn’t ready for. He suddenly sees Gordon’s face and his fork clatters against the table.

“My ...” Aaron gulps thickly and then turns to Robert.

“You know grandad Paddy.” Robert jumps in and Aaron feels like he’s going to break down. He doesn’t even know why, he should have been ready for this. He’s been here before and Paddy’s always been able to be enough of a response but Seb’s older now and he’s not _daft_.

“Yeah. I know.” Seb frowns. “I just ... I wanted to know about ...”

“Paddy’s my dad Seb.” Aaron nods a little and then finally looks up. “That’s all that really matters ain’t it?”

He thinks it’s dropped until Seb tilts his head. “OK then, who’s Liv’s?”

“Seb.” Robert says, like it’s a warning or something.

Seb sighs. “You’ve never even mentioned him and you wonder why I’m a little curious.”

“Curious? There’s nothing to be curious about.” Robert’s saying, he sounds convincing too and Aaron tries to hold everything in for as long as he can.

Aaron looks down again and picks up his fork with unsteady hands. “You’ve never been curious before.” He says. “That’s all your dad’s saying.”

“I have wondered before.”

Aaron blinks, feels this stress hit him hard. “You have?”

Seb nods his head slowly. “Of course I have.”

Aaron doesn’t get why, he can’t even _fathom_ why Seb would spare a thought for someone he doesn’t even know. He imagines him going up to the graveyard, looking around for a grave that pulls him in. He closes his eyes, breathes in and imagines Jacob doing the same thing. It makes him feel like he’s going to pass out.

“Oh.” Robert seems taken aback too. “We didn’t know that.” He says it because if they did then they wouldn’t be so useless now. They’d have time to prepare, think straight.

“I just wondered.” Seb asks and he looks between his dads like he doesn’t know what else to say. “I didn’t think it’d be such a big deal to ask.” He looks sorry suddenly. “But it is.”

Aaron’s never really sat and thought about how well his children know him, it’s nothing he has the time to do but now it’s all he can bring himself to think about. If Seb knows how the throbbing in his head causes a vein to swell, if he understands that he strokes his wedding ring whenever he’s anxious.

Seb looks between his dads. “Isn’t it?”

Robert sighs. “Of course it isn’t.” He says, and then he’s looking slowly towards Aaron and willing him to say something.

“No. It’s not.” Aaron blinks it out and then looks down again.

“But it’s something I can’t know about.” Seb makes this sound, and then he looks up. “Just like Lachlan. Look how that turned ...”

“This isn’t like Lachlan.”

Aaron remembers that, he remembers tears and shouting and Seb feeling like he was being lied to constantly. He stares at his son and thinks of how he’s seventeen in a few months and he knows that he’s going to start taking all these secrets they’ve kept from him even worse.

“Well you don’t talk about him either so ..."

“He’s dead.” Aaron says it because it’s the truth. He says it to make Seb stop asking questions but it doesn’t do that. It makes Seb look like he’s sorry about it and Aaron wants to run.

“Oh.” Seb tilts his head to the side again. “What ... did he ...”

Aaron searches Robert’s face again and then he closes his eyes and breathes in.

“Well he had cancer.” Robert says, and then he leans back because he’s so far out of his depth with all of this too that he doesn’t know what else to say.

Seb pulls this face again and then looks down at the table. “Must have been hard. Is that why you ..."

“I didn’t really know him Seb.” Aaron says quickly. “That’s why. He’s not worth even putting down in that tree of yours OK?” It all comes out so quickly that Seb’s left even more confused than when he started.

“I just wanted to know.”

“Well now you do. I didn’t know him enough for him to matter, not like Paddy.” Aaron tries to smile like what he’s saying isn’t serious.

“Fine. I’ll ... I’ll put Paddy down.” 

—

Aaron stares at himself in the bathroom mirror whilst Robert watches by the door. He steps forward after a second and then has a hand against Aaron’s waist.

“Ella’s down, so’s Annie.” 

Aaron looks at Robert through the mirror and nods.

“Jacob’s fallen asleep with his headphones on again. Honestly, he’ll end up breaking them one —"

“Seb.” Aaron whispers the word out and Robert dips his head down. “Has he spoke to Jacob?”

Robert gulps hard, instantly knows what he’s trying to get at. “I don’t know.” He whispers and then Aaron pulls away, sits on his bed with a thud.

“They share a room. Jacob’s too young to hear about any of that.” Aaron feels himself boiling over and he closes his eyes, bounces his knee. “And Seb will ask. Then he’ll speak to _Annie_.” He breathes out. “She’s sensitive. She’s so sensitive.”

Robert sits down next to Aaron. “She’s also eight. Seb won’t tell her anything. As far as she knows ...”

“I hate that line.” Aaron has tears in his eyes. “They _know_ lies. Lies I’ve told them.”

“To protect them.” Robert has a hand on Aaron’s shoulder and Aaron falls back into his chest. “It’s better this way. We decided that didn’t we?” Since Seb was old enough to know who was who in the family. It made sense to not even bother mentioning Gordon. It was easy then.

Aaron shakes his head. “I freaked him out.”

“You didn’t.”

“Robert.” Aaron leans up and twists to look at his husband. “He didn’t know why it was such a big deal. If I was just _normal_ about it then —"

“How can you be?”

“I’ve had _years_ to come to terms with them finding out.” Aaron does what he does best, he blames himself and everything grows dark around them as Robert tries to hold on to him.

“It doesn’t get easier.”

Aaron curls into himself. “No.” He whispers. “No it gets harder ‘cause I look at Seb, Jake ... I could _never_ imagine anyone being able to do that to their ... I can’t Robert.”

Robert stops. “You can’t what?”

“I can’t tell him.”

Robert closes his eyes and then opens them again. “He was OK after Lachlan.”

“This is _different_.” Aaron rubs at his eyes and then closes them. “Besides. We thought he was and yet he throws it in our face whenever he’s upset. He doesn’t think we trust him enough and it’s not that at all.”

“And he’ll get it.”

“I don’t want him having to _get_ this.” Aaron says passionately and then breathes out.

“Aaron. It’s not some sort of burden.” Robert says, like he’s up in court defending Aaron all over again. “And it isn’t your fault.”

Aaron moves up and sighs. “That don’t matter.” He says. “At all. It don’t change anything does it?”

Robert breathes in deeply, his eyes flickering onto the bedside table lap. The amber light draws out between them and makes Robert want to turn it off completely.

“If he finds out. It won’t go away. This is something that won’t go away, something he has to  _see_ when he looks at his dad.”

“He won’t see that.” Robert turns Aaron to look at him. “You think _I_ see that?”

Aaron feels this tug in his stomach and his eyes flicker against the question. It’s been years, it’s been so long since he’s even imagined Robert seeing him as this powerless victim. He shakes his head slowly because it’s the truth.

“Good. Because I don’t.” Robert holds at Aaron’s hand and feels it grow clammy with his husband’s fears. “He won’t see you any differently.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” Aaron whispers, pulls his hand away slowly so that he can try and breathe through this on his own. “Remember when I used to freak out when they got hurt. Remember after Ella?”

Robert frowns and grows cold. “What’s that got to —"

“When we thought she wouldn’t make it. When they said ... she could be deaf, could be brain damaged. When they said all that _stuff_ because she was so early and I just ... I just stopped functioning.” Aaron hasn’t spoken about it for so long and he knows Robert hates to dwell on it. He turns to him for a second. “I remember Seb needed help with his homework and he got into trouble for not doing it right. I asked him why he didn’t just ask me for help but he said he saw me crying. He said he didn’t want to make me sadder.”

Robert leans over to hold Aaron closer and Aaron rubs a hand over his eyes again, tries not to cry.

“Aaron.”

“Because he saw me like that, he saw me sad. I don’t know what I’ll do if he can’t speak to me after ... if I tell him.” Aaron’s voice is thick with emotion again and he tries to settle himself.

“You’re his _dad_.”

Aaron closes his eyes. “I don’t want to find out.” He bites at his lip and then clears his throat. “He’s had his fair share of a freak show history.” Robert drops his arm away and then Aaron tuts. “Robert I didn’t mean ...”

“Yeah. Lachlan’s messed him up already. _I_ messed him up already.” Robert stands, brings his hand up towards his face and then he’s staring at the picture of the six of them they took last summer. He keeps staring and then he hears Aaron telling him that it wasn’t his fault. “Neither was Gordon yours.”

Aaron winces and then Robert breathes in, tries to get his words out again.

“He’s dead. I think he just wanted to know for sure. He does now so ... he’ll drop it.”

Aaron worries his head a little and then Robert is moving closer to him again, kissing him gently until they’re laying flat on the bed and Aaron’s head is in Robert’s chest. 

“I love you.” Aaron says, and then he slowly closes his eyes.

—

He thinks it’s OK and it is for a bit. Seb and him laugh their heads off about how cute he was when he was little and all the weird fashion choices they made for him.

He doesn’t seem worried about anything, and Jacob and Annie hardly seem fazed when they hear about the family tree project. He still sort of hates the idea but it’s fine. 

It’s fine until Liv comes around and Aaron’s left feeling hollow.

“What’s he said exactly?” Aaron grips hold of his mug of tea and then watches Annie come towards them.

“Ella’s doing my head in.” She’s eight and she shouldn’t even know phrases like that but she runs a hand through her blond locks and looks like she wants to burn the world to the ground.

“You’re meant to be her big protective sister.” Liv points out with a smirk. 

“I’ve tried playing teachers with her but she doesn’t want to.”

Aaron runs a hand over his head and then calls out for Ella. She’s playing karate with herself and he’s so certain that Jacob passed on this manic behaviour to her. It skipped Seb and Annie and they’re all very grateful.

“OK Ella, play karate down here.” Aaron says and then she’s kicking the air and running out into the big garden to annoy all the neighbours. “Alright. Back to the question.”

Liv sips her tea and then sighs. “He just asked if you ever spoke about him. Dad.” She frowns. “I didn’t know why he was talking about him.”

“He’s got this stupid family tree project.” Aaron hates the thing with a burning passion. “So he started asking questions.”

“And what did you say?” 

“I said he was dead. I said ... I didn’t know him well.” Liv pulls this face. “What else was I meant to —"

“He’s sixteen Aaron. He’s going to find out for himself if he’s determined enough. Don’t you think he’s old enough to .. get it.”

Aaron’s heart thumps. “Like you were?”

Liv shakes her head, shocked. “That was different. He was my _dad_. I didn’t remember you properly.” She leans closer. “Seb _loves_ you. Is that what you’re scared about? He won’t believe you?”

That thought hasn’t entered his head. He can’t even think like that. “There’s been enough secrets kept from him.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want _any_ of my kids knowing about _that_.”

“He’s Robert you know.” Aaron looks up. “If he’s determined, he’ll dig, he’ll find out.”

“Find out _what_?” Aaron almost shouts and then he calms himself down, breathes in. “He doesn’t even know his name.”

Liv looks away and pulls a hand over her face. “Yeah. He asked me.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “And you _told_ him?”

“I didn’t ... what was I supposed to say? Nothing. Sorry Seb I can’t tell you this normal piece of information ‘cause —“ Aaron pulls this face. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. He’s just curious.” Aaron plays with his ring, runs it up and down his finger and then breathes out.

“So what are you going to do?”

Aaron gulps hard. “Tell him he’s ... not a good man. Try to hammer it home that he doesn’t need to find out about him.”

“Without telling him why?”

Aaron shakes his head. “I can’t.”

Liv leans back in her chair. “Let’s just hope knowing his name is enough then.”

—

Aaron knocks on Seb’s door and waits until Jacob answers, face down and headphones glued to his ears.

“Isaac’s teaching me how to farm. Is it alright if I go now?” Jacob yanks his headphones off and Aaron’s too preoccupied with the way Seb’s staring out the window to even question it.

“Be back by tea.”

Jacob nods, and then Aaron calls him back to kiss his head gently. 

“What’s up with you?”

“Shut your face?” Aaron hits Jacob’s head lightly before coming into the room and looking at Seb. “You’re quiet.”

“I’m just thinking.”

“Yeah, about what?”

Seb wears his jumpers like Aaron does, stretches his arms out towards his knees and then sighs. “Nothing.”

“You can talk to me about anything.”

Seb looks up at him, and Aaron just stares at the colour of his eyes and the way his freckles scatter right across his nose. He remembers being able to bounce him on his knee and make him laugh so easily.

“Anything?”

Aaron feels his heart thud. “I love you so much.” He says. “You know that. You know I do everything ... me and your dad do everything we can to protect you.”

“Protect me?” Seb frowns and Aaron tries to take it back. “No. You said protect me. Maybe I don’t need protecting anymore dad.”

Aaron cups Seb’s face and Seb actually lets him.

“Why are you so upset?” Seb asks and Aaron tries pretending like he isn’t. He runs a hand over his eyes and then sighs.

“I’m not. I’m just — you’re growing up aren’t you?”

“That happens dad.”

“I know.” Aaron breathes in. 

“So don’t hide things from me.” Seb says. “Please don’t.”

Aaron goes to speak and then he stops himself, something inside him just halts and he can’t.

“I’m not mate. Come here.” Aaron squeezes the life out of him, kisses his head until Ella’s shouting about wanting to make cupcakes. “I better go yeah?”

Seb nods his head slowly.

—

He tries to think of something to stop all the questions and the curiosity and it ends up with Seb being more confused than ever. He doesn’t tell anyone, which means he doesn’t tell Robert and so when Seb comes home absolutely furious it doesn’t go down well.

“You spoke to my teacher?”

It’s something Robert would do, it’s something Aaron would usually hate and complain about.

Aaron bounces Ella off his knee and he tells her to go upstairs when Seb comes further into the room.

“What’s this about?” Robert asks, half asleep on the sofa and Aaron suddenly tense around him. 

“Dad. Telling my teacher to excuse me from this stupid project because ...” Seb frowns. “Well I don’t even know.” He says.

Aaron closes his eyes. “I didn’t want you getting upset over ... you know ... Lachlan. Your mum.”

“Yeah right.” Seb says. “Is this about your dad _again_?”

Aaron looks over at Robert almost desperately and then shakes his head. “No.”

“It is.”

“Seb. Your dad was trying to look out for you.” Robert reasons as he sits up and asks Seb to come and sit down with them.

“Why? Is his dad some psycho killer as well? Did he kill my mum as —"

“ _Seb_.” Robert stands, comes over towards his son and holds him by the shoulders. It’s scary how Robert’s only a bit taller than his son now. It makes his hands hold firm at his shoulders as he tries to speak. “Don’t say stuff like that.”

Seb shakes his head and he’s got tears in his eyes. “I just ...”

Aaron looks at his son and then down towards the floor again. “I’m sorry mate, I thought it’d help.”

“I don’t need that sort of help. After we talked the other day? You do this.” Seb moves out of Robert’s hold and then sighs. “You don’t _listen_. You don’t even care.”

Aaron stands suddenly. “All I do is ... everything I do is because I _care_ about you. Seb. Please.”

Seb steps back and goes towards the stairs. “Stop caring. It only makes things worse.” He goes and Aaron hears his door slam shut.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says again, head tilted and wiping at his eyes as Robert comes over towards him and holds him close. 

—

Aaron has this nightmare and he feels like he’s paralysed against it. Robert’s there because he always is, his hands are on Aaron’s shoulders and he’s massaging him down from whatever happened.

“I didn’t ...” Aaron stutters the words out and then runs a hand over his wedding ring again. “What happened?”

Robert kisses Aaron’s head. “You just shouted out. Haven’t seen you like that for so long.” His voice sounds thick with emotion and Aaron turns towards him.

“I’m sorry. For scaring you.” 

“Don’t be. Just ... just come here yeah?” Aaron leans back into Robert. “It was him again wasn’t it?”

Aaron stills. “He’s ruining everything again.”

“Only if we let him.”

“You mean take control, tell Seb myself before he turns into Nancy Drew about him.” Aaron cringes. “I can’t do that. How many times have I said ...”

“So it’s just going to be on your mind then? Constantly.” Aaron feels Robert hold at his arms, beg him to look his way. “I can’t lose you again over this. You can’t go quiet and _hide_. Please Aaron.”

Aaron pushes him away from. “Thanks for the support.” He ends up downstairs, woken up by Ella trying to karate chop his head off. 

Robert’s standing over him too, dressed for work and coffee in hand. “I’m taking Ella in with me.”

Aaron sits up. “Where’s —"

“School silly.” Ella jumps onto Aaron and then down again before Robert catches her and puts her over his shoulders. 

“Try and rest yeah?” Robert says gently and Aaron breathes in. “I love you. I’m on your side. Whatever you need.” 

Aaron has no idea what he needs until Seb’s going quiet over dinner and he’s petrified that he knows everything already. 

Robert wills him to speak, to say what he wants to and it makes Aaron’s heart almost stop beating. 

“Seb. We know you. So just ... tell us OK?”

“Why?” Seb whispers. “You don’t tell the truth. Not when it counts.”

Aaron breathes out. “Is this about —"

“You. Yeah.” Aaron tries to look away. “Ever since I mentioned your dad, this _Gordon_ , you’ve acted differently and I’m sick of being treated like I’m a kid. Again.”

“You _are_ a kid Seb.” Aaron says. “You’re our kid, and we know what’s best for you.”

“Like hiding what Lachlan did?” Seb’s chin wobbles and Aaron holds his breath. “You know how fucked up that —"

“Seb.” Robert warns, eyes wide and his feeling of hopelessness smacking round the face. 

“I’m sorry.” Aaron whispers, head down as he speaks. “If that’s how you feel. We’re sorry aren’t we?” Robert plays along slowly and Aaron finds this strength to stop crying. “Me and my dad ... we didn’t get on.”

“I thought you said you didn’t know him.”

Aaron shudders. “Not the way a son should know their dad.” He closes his eyes and then sighs. “That’s all.”

“So that’s why you changed your name?”

Aaron looks up at him with wide eyes. “How do ..."

“Well Liv isn’t a Dingle.”

“Yeah that’s ...”

“She kept the Livesy.”

“Yeah. Yeah she did.” Aaron closes his eyes. “But it doesn’t matter. It’s just a name ain’t it?”

“A name you changed.”

“Seb.” Aaron says it too loud, he puts a hand over his face and Seb’s suddenly think something is _wrong_. “What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?”

“Why is always like this?” Seb’s chin goes again and Robert watches him stand up, pull arms over his front like he’s protecting himself.

“Like what?”

“Secretive. Things I can’t know and things I can and —"

“Maybe when you’re older yeah?” Robert whispers, he stands and tries to reach out for Seb but he moves back. 

“Then I’ll have the right to know who my family are?”

“He’s _not_ your family.” Aaron shouts and everyone freezes. Robert stares at him like he doesn’t know what to say and Seb’s mouth is wide open. 

Seb bites his lip, holds back tears. “I’m going out.”

“You’re not going any—“

He’s gone by the time Aaron’s crying into Robert’s chest.

—

Robert finds him at the farm with Isaac and Moira. He gives her this look and she’s already sighing and telling him that Seb’s in one of the barns like always.

“He doesn’t know why we can’t tell him about Gordon.” Robert says, back against the wall and closing his eyes. “It’s a bit of a mess.”

Moira looks overwhelmed for a second and then she sighs. “All I know is that ... Isaac won’t find things out about me ... not ever.” Robert looks up suddenly. “Because I know what’s best for him. You and Aaron do as well.”

Robert gulps hard. “Look how he went after Lachlan though?”

Moira nods. “True. He’s always been mature, he won’t take it badly. If that’s what Aaron thinks. He’s a good boy.”

“We know.” Robert bites his lip. “Just losing that last bit of innocence though ain’t it?” Moira looks at him like she understands it all. “I should go and see him.” 

“Robert.” Moira calls out. “He’ll be OK.” 

Robert smiles back weakly and then walks towards the barn. “It’s a bit cold in here isn’t it?” Robert comes in slowly and then sees Seb sitting by himself amongst the hay. 

Seb looks up. “Is dad upset?” He bites his lip and Robert takes it as a sign to come forward, sit next to his son so that their knees bump together. 

“He’s upset that you’re upset yeah.” Robert tilts his head. “We hate seeing you like this.”

Seb shakes his head. “I know why you do it.” Robert frowns. “Keep things from me. You love me, want to protect him from things, I get it. But I ...”

“You want to know about ... him.”

“I don’t care about him.” Seb says. “It isn’t about him. It’s about lying to me.”

“We haven’t lied to you.” Robert tries to work it out in his head. “Your dad hasn’t mentioned him because he isn’t worth mentioning.”

Seb frowns. “It’s more than that.” He says. “I know it.”

“You don’t. You think you do.” Robert looks at his son and sighs. “Please listen to us.”

“You don’t listen to me.”

“Seb.” Robert closes his eyes and tries not to show how stressed he is over all of this. 

Seb bounces his knee. “It’s always something.” 

“Trust me here OK. Just trust us.” Robert pulls a hand across the small of Seb’s back. “I know it’s hard to but ...”

Seb breathes out gently and then nods his head.

—

Seb makes out like he’s fine when he isn’t. There’s this unspoken tension between him and Aaron that makes everything harder.

“I could drive you to school.” Aaron says, a soft smile on his face that becomes a nervous one when Seb pulls his hoodie up and says it’s fine. 

“I should go now.”

“Seb.” He stops and turns. “I love you kid.”

Seb nods back, face blushing red and making Aaron feeling like he’s turned into his mum. It sits around in his mind until he’s offloading to her and she’s quietly shutting doors and making sure Eve’s out of earshot.

“He doesn’t trust us.”

“No teenager does.” Chas thinks she’s got all the answers because Eve’s mouthy but also Paddy which means she no trouble. “It’ll pass.”

“Not about this.” Aaron bounces his knee. “Not after all those years we told him _nothing_ about his own psycho cousin.” 

Chas sighs and then gives him this look that makes Aaron ask her what she’s thinking. “Rob mentioned you were stressed about this but I didn’t know it was this bad.”

“He should be dead and _buried_ and yet he’s here again, controlling my life. Now he’s hurting _Seb_.” Aaron breathes in and thinks about the damage this could do to his family. “I’m not letting him do this.”

He stands and watches his mum come over towards him, squeeze the life out of him. “I’m here if you need me OK?”

He nods against her and then decides to pick Seb up from school. He waits outside the school gates for what feels like ages.

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” He’s telling Robert, a hand stroking his wedding ring up and down as he breathes out. 

“I wish I could ... just tell me and I’ll meet you.”

“You’re in Leeds.” Aaron frowns. “It’s OK.” He whispers. “I love you, so much.” He blinks gently. “You know why I’m doing this right?”

Robert shudders. “Of course I do. I love you too.”

It’s raining when Seb comes out and sees the car. At first he just stands and stares and then he’s walking over slowly and getting in.

“Jacob and Annie have after school clubs.”

Aaron breathes in deeply, his heart still thudding. He feels like he’s going to be sick when he nods his head. 

“Yeah and Vic has Ella. I wanted to speak to you.”

The rain pours down faster than Aaron expected it to. For a second he watches the way Seb’s hair darkens from blonde to brown and he shakes a hand through it to pull his hoodie back on.

“I don’t want you to hate me Seb.” He almost whispers the words out and Seb looks horrified by it. 

“I know I’m a teenager but I don’t think I’ve ever dropped the H bomb.” He sounds like Robert and it makes Aaron laugh, rub a hand over his watering eyes. 

“Yeah ‘cause you’re a good kid.” Aaron turns to him, watches all the other school kids leave as the rain continues to pelt against the windows. “My special little boy.” 

Seb gulps hard. “Is something wrong?” He breathes in and out and Aaron can see the panic rising. 

Aaron shakes his head, holds at Seb’s hand for a second. “I haven’t been honest with you because I thought you’d never have to know. I thought you’d look at me and see someone who wasn’t your silly dad who burns everything he touches.”

Aaron feels Seb’s hands shaking in his and he gently strokes, tries to stop his worry. “Dad.”

“You’d see someone who wasn’t who you need, you’d not see someone who supposed to be strong enough to make everything go away.” Aaron gulps hard. “But _not_ telling you is making you think I’m hiding things from you and I can’t have that.” 

Seb gulps. “Is this about ... the stupid family tree?”

Aaron shrugs. “Sort of.” He blows out a breath. “It’s about Gordon. It’s about why I didn’t —"

Seb sighs. “I don’t care about it. OK, I’ll stop banging on.”

“No. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to hide what you’re thinking from me. Or dad.” Aaron frowns. “OK? Not ever.”

Seb nods but it’s clear he doesn’t know why. “Dad, what’s wrong?”

“I thought I was protecting you.” 

Seb pulls this face, sighs. “From a dead man? Why? What did —"

It’s like something clicks, it’s like he’s telling Robert all those years ago again and he can’t get passed the way Seb’s face switches from confusion to this sense of _knowing_. 

“He wasn’t a good man. He wasn’t a good dad to me.” Aaron looks down, looks _away_ and then he’s hearing the way Seb’s breathing in like he’s preparing himself. “He abused me when I was a kid. In ... in that way.”

It’s that word and the way it twists in and out that makes it so difficult to breathe. It feels like he’s drowning or something and then Seb’s hand is in his and he’s got tears in his eyes. He’s saying sorry.

“No. No. No I don’t want you sorry.” Aaron squeezes down onto Seb’s hand. “I just want you to know he’s not — he’s not your family, he ain’t mine. He’s just a ghost OK?”

“I ...” Seb starts crying and it’s like Aaron’s being repeatedly punched in the stomach. He brings Seb towards him, runs a hand over his son’s hair as he holds him. He hasn’t done this for years. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” Aaron whispers. “It’s not your fault.”

“I kept pushing it.” Seb whispers the words out and Aaron keeps running a hand through Seb’s hair. “I just thought it was something else you didn’t trust me enough to know.”

“It’s not that.” Aaron says and then thinks. “Although I don’t want Jacob knowing yet. He’s too young.” 

Seb nods against Aaron and then leans up, wipes at his face. They sit in silence for a minute. It drags out between them and he can see how the information is being slotted into place. He closes his eyes, feels like it’s a private moment for Seb to wrap his head around. 

“You can ask me questions you know. I won’t break.”

Seb bites his lip and sniffles. He’s bright red, looks lost and Aaron hates Gordon in a completely new way now. “You’ve been off for a while. I don’t want to make it worse.”

“You won’t.” Aaron decides to be strong, breathes out something that was holding him back and then he gulps. “Trust me.”

Seb blinks, thinks for a second. “When did he ...”

Aaron tips his head up. “I was eight. I was Annie’s — it happened more than once. Last time I said no, I said you don’t do that to me anymore and he was so shocked I managed to fight him off. I ... he kicked me out. I left Liv there.” He cringes against it. “I just _ignored_ it, buried it until he showed up again and your dad helped me through it.”

“How old were you then?”

Aaron huffs. “Twenty four? Ish. I don’t ...” He thinks back to that year, how it ended and started. He was alone and by the end he had this family, he had Robert, he had a fiancé. “Me and your dad had done all the dramatic hating each other stuff. He just came back like nothing had happened, started seeing my mum.”

Seb pulls his face. “How did you ...”

“I wasn’t doing well.” Aaron decided to say. “Robert saved me. As always.” Aaron rolls his eyes fondly. “I told the police and that’s how I found Liv again. She was younger than you then.” He shakes his head when he thinks about what she had to go through. “He got eighteen years but he killed himself so it didn’t —“

Seb’s chin wobbles again and he shakes his head. “You told the police. You were brave. That’s — that’s more than enough.” He closes his eyes and then watches as the rain slides down the window and the air gets colder. “You were brave. You’re always brave.”

“Well your dad was there. Wasn’t he? He helped.”

“And nan?”

Aaron remembers feeling like he had the world behind him if he wanted them there. It felt suffocating at the time but now it’s different. 

“Everyone yeah.” Aaron play with his hands and then sighs when Seb starts shaking his head. 

“I hate him.” Seb looks like he wants to break the world around him and Aaron frowns. “I hate him so much for doing that to you.”

“So do I.” Aaron whispers. “But then I look at how lucky I am now and ... I have all of you. I have a _family_. He didn’t get to ruin that.”

“Is that why you told me?”

Aaron bites his lip. “If I had it my way, you’d have no idea for the rest of your life. But I can’t keep shielding you. I don’t want you ending up resenting me or your dad.”

“I wouldn’t ever do that.” Seb wipes at his face. “Never.”

Aaron sighs. “Yeah but ... _Lachlan_. Lying to you only ended up hurting you. I don’t ever want to hurt you.” 

“I know dad.” Seb sniffs. “I won’t tell anyone. When you’re ready ... when you tell Jacob, I’ll be there.” He nods. “Calling you brave again.”

“What have I done to deserve you?” 

Seb shrugs and Aaron leans over to kiss his head. He looks up and sees that the sun has started to come out.

—

“He’s right. You are brave.” Robert turns to Aaron in bed, has this soft look about him as he hugs close and smiles. 

Aaron shrugs gently. “Don’t feel it.”

“I spoke to Seb after dinner, he thinks you’re even more amazing you know.” Robert runs a hand over Aaron’s arm and then stops by his wrist, gently rubs. “I should have been there.” He whispers. 

“You would have made me cry even more.” Aaron shudders. “Seeing him like that ... it was like he was a little baby again and I was telling him there’s bad people in the world for the first time. He’s stronger than he looks though.”

“Wonder who he gets that from?” 

Aaron brings himself closer to Robert and then breathes deeply into his chest like he’s trying not to cry. 

“He nearly ruined things again.”

“Yeah but you fought back didn’t you?” Robert always has the right thing to say, it always rolls off his tongue and make things that little bit more bearable. Aaron breathes in again and then feels Robert’s hands in his hair. “He didn’t ruin a single thing. He never will.” 

“Not if we take charge. That means telling Jacob in a couple of years, you know, when he can understand it all properly.” 

Robert blinks down. “OK.” He says, because he doesn’t want to push. He kisses Aaron’s head again and then sighs. “I can’t even imagine what he’s reaction will be like.” 

Aaron sighs. “Yeah neither can I.” Jacob’s always been this ball of energy, their little joker. He doesn’t want to change it, he shouldn’t have to. “I don’t want to be the one who tells him about people being hurt like that.” He closes his eyes. “But I know I’d rather have control over how he finds out, and then Annie, and then Ella.” He sighs a little and the thought seems overwhelming.

“I could do it.”

“I wouldn’t want you to have to do that.”

Robert frowns. “I don’t want you to have to do it either.”

Aaron kisses Robert’s hand. “I know. But you can be with yeah? Seb’s already said he will.” 

“He did?”

“Yeah.” Aaron’s eyes flicker. “We’re lucky with him. So lucky.”

Robert leans down and kisses Aaron’s head.

—

Aaron’s taking Ella to the swings. The sky is a bright blue colour despite how cold it still is outside. The whip of the wind in the air makes him wrap his arms around himself.

“She won’t want to leave.” Aaron turns to see Seb hanging by the bench and he smiles at him. 

“I’ve already promised her half a dozen lollies if we’re back by tea.” Aaron comes towards the bench and sits with his son in silence for a second. “You don’t have to look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you think I’m going to burst out crying now you know.” 

Seb frowns a little, puffs his chest out. “Well it is sort of your speciality isn’t it?” He rolls his eyes and then Aaron’s laughing. “I spoke to Liv. Nan as well. Cain sort of caught me smashing stuff up at Moira’s farm.”

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Seb. You don’t do stuff like that.” Seb’s kind and gentle and only ever uses his words to hurt just like Robert really. He was like this after Lachlan, angry, volatile.

“I know. We had a chat. I was just _angry_. But I’m OK now.” 

“Yeah?” 

Seb looks all serious, so mature. “If you are. I am.” 

Aaron pulls a hand over Seb’s, lets out this soft smile as he watches Robert walking over towards him with Annie and Jacob. He feels all this worry stretching ahead, he knows there’s things he’ll have to face at certain points in the future but this is OK now. 

“I’m more than OK.” Aaron whispers and Seb’s smile back is more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was enjoyed despite the dark theme. It seems like I’ve sort of exhausted everything major that the kids could find out without it becoming things that they literally don’t have to know and which have no real baring on their lives now. 
> 
> If you have anymore suggestions about what they have found out (which I haven’t done yet) please pop me a message on my tumblr: littlelooneyluna


End file.
